"Top of the world ma, top of the world"

A superb team performance saw the Expat Lions leapfrog Swoosh 136 and MF to go top of the Division 2 table for the first time this season. Once again another master class in striking by Shaun 'Of the Dead' Sweeney saw the big man bag another hat-trick as The Lions ran out comfortable 4-2 winners against Swoosh 136.

ABOVE: Ant and Dec, Little and Large, Stan and Ollie - you decide...

Yet it could have all been so different, as for the first time this year, The Lions players actually listened to the manager and kept off the pop for this table of the table clash. Paul Grayson's stag doo (no guesses for where it was being held) was scheduled for the Friday night, but because he is such a nice chappie, he agreed to move it to the Saturday night, so the pre-match distribution of Clorets was not required for a change.

The Lions welcomed the return of McMyler and Blundell back into defence, with McMyler supporting a new goatee to disguise himself away from the Father Ted on the lookalikes page, only to disguise himself as 'Father Ted with goatee' and Steve Ebsworth into midfield.

A fighting fit Lions team took to the waterlogged pitch and kicked off eager to get a win in what was the most important match of the season so far. It was clear from the start that the two strikers up front for Swoosh were very pacey, and the early exchanges had the Lions backtracking with the defence looking somewhat disjointed.

It wasn't too long before that the early Swoosh pressure paid off and on 15 minutes, when the Swoosh midfield pushed on down the right, cutting through the Lions defence like a knife through hot butter, passed the ball into the net past the outstretched palm of Wood in goal.

On 16 minutes, The Lions were level. Almost straight from the kick off, White put in Sweeney who ghosted past two Swoosh defenders and shot from the edge of the box, the ball squeezing through the keepers arms and into the net.

On 17 minutes, The Lions were back chasing the game. Almost a carbon copy of the first Swoosh goal, this time down the Swoosh left, the tricky winger cut in from the by line past Horne and Grayson slamming the ball into the roof of the net.

Swoosh were very lucky not to be down to 10 men on 25 minutes when Sweeney broke free of the Swoosh defence and was pole axed on the edge of the box by the onrushing keeper. With no last man, there was only one decision to be made, but as per usual the consistent inconsistencies of the SSLKL officials were in force as the referee pulled out a yellow card.

The Lions fail to make the promising free kick count however, with a sublime floater from Laing (he's good at floaters especially after a curry in Suzi's Corner - ask his wife) which was met by White at the far post only for the ginge to place his header from only one yard out (yes one yard out folks) into the side netting.

It was clear to The Lions and the stand in manager for the day Evans, that Swoosh were there for the taking. And it was after 30 minutes that The Lions started to take control of the game. Good work again down the left by Laing and White put in Sweeney for a difficult chance on the edge of the box. When the ball bounced up for the third Gallagher brother there was no 'definitely maybe' about the finish, as Sweeney power-lobbed the keeper from 20 yards, a goal to grace any Match of the Day Goal of the Month competition.

And then there were three... On 35 minutes, another crunching yellow card free challenge on Sweeney on the edge of the box, saw the big man get up hungry for a first half hat-trick. His shot from the resulting free kick was only parried by the keeper, and White was Johnny on the spot slotting home the rebound making amends for his earlier Stevie Wonder effort to put The Lions into the lead.

Just before half time, it could have been four, with a mazy run from Ebsworth. A bad tackle from a Swoosh defender almost chopped him in half, but eager to get in on the scoring, he stayed on his feet and the ball trickled out for a corner.

HALF TIME: The Lions 3 - 2 Swoosh

It was clear from the two sets of players that The Lions psychologically had the upper hand with the Swoosh players looking totally despondent on the sidelines. The half time message was to keep the shape at the back and we would win this game comfortably, rather comically delivered by McMyler who had lost his voice and sounded like Alan Ball (god rest his soul) on helium!

Swoosh made several changes at half time, but to little effect as the back four stayed organised leaving Wood very little to do in goal, except retrieve the ball from behind the goal on a few occasions as Swoosh were kept to long range efforts.

After 60 minutes the game was won. A crunching tackle / equisite pass on the half way line from Blundell on the left put in Sweeney who slammed the ball into the roof of the net to claim another match ball accompanied by a Yakubu-esque butterfly mimic, reinforcing his push for the golden boot.

With 20 minutes left on the clock, the officials tried to even things up. Every tackle by Boyd was punished. Every through ball to Sweeney and Kenyon by McKinnon was offside. If that wasn't bad enough, things started getting really silly, when a quick head count by Wood in goal revealed that Swoosh were actually playing with 12 men.

Still looking for his first goal, Kenyon was put in when the ball hit the bar. With no goalkeeper, in the centre of the goal, no pressure, and only 1 yard out, he somehow rather expertly scooped the ball over the bar, arguably the greatest miss in footballing history (soon to be appearing on Danny Bakers Own Goals and Gaffs Volume 12)...

Inevitably, Swoosh turned nasty, and some nasty challenges started flying in, one in particular taking Blundell out of the game for the last 5 minutes.

As the clock ran out, Sweeney was goaded and verbally abused (he's just big boned for the record and never ate all the pies because I had one too) by the Swoosh substitutes with the linesman standing next to the player in question smiling. As Sweeney raced towards the knobhead, Blundell and Evans stepped in and the referee blew for time.

ABOVE: Shaun finally finds his missing penis, and it's still on full bonk...

Poor are the team who have to result in trying to get The Lions players sent off to even things out in this league. That said, The Lions (and Sweeney in particular) let the goals do the talking.

FULL TIME: The Lions 4 - 2 Swoosh