But not today thanks to Shaun Sweeney, as The Lions striker bags all 5 goals, which would have made Robert Burms very proud.

The Expatriate Lions recorded only their second league win of the season courtesy of a master-class in leading the line from Shaun Sweeney, but the match was far from plain sailing for the battling Lions who were literally kicked, punched and pulled all over the pitch.

There were plenty of lessons to be learned from this match, most notably that when the Lions play football, they are actually pretty good. But when we get dragged into a messy battle and abandon our discipline in the midfield, we are poor. Really poor. The Lions were warned before kick-off that manager William Watt, a.k.a. Baldrick, had a plan so cunning you could put a tail on it and call it a weasel. But no-one could have guessed that this particular plan would involve leaving the team’s top-scorer, Sweeney and midfield maestro Steve White, on the sidelines as the game kicked-off. But after the disbelief had settled in, their wait for action didn’t last long as they were both introduced after less than 10 minutes. And it was from then on that the Lions began to assert themselves on the game. (LEFT) Never trust a bloke in a dress...

Earlier in the season The Lions had held Sri Petaling’s dangerous midfield and tricky wingers to a creditable scoreless draw, however, even in the early stages it didn’t look like this was a game that would remain goalless for long, as Steve Ebsworth in the hole and Jason Evans and Anthony Donnelly on the flanks worked their magic and pulled their opponents as if they were cheap slags - apologies, I mean, ‘reasonably priced love assistants’ - at closing time in the Beach Club.

The discipline and experience of McMyler and Grayson at the heart of the defence, ably flanked by the continually impressed Horne and Jones, were able to nullify anything that came their way and Sri Petaling looked pretty ordinary. Certainly not in the same league as the roaring Lions who took the lead after a quarter of an hour when Ant & Dec (That’s what they asked to be called. Seriously.) combined to execute a beautifully worked set-play.

A central free-kick 35 yards out was played intelligently by White into the channel between the Sri Petaling centre-half and left-back (not the first time this area would produce goals, which makes the interested observer wonder why it was not attacked more often). Sweeney timed his run to perfection and was able to collect the ball, beat his man and drill his shot into the far corner in one smooth motion. Never mind Sri Petaling, Sparta Prague would have struggled to stop that kind of shot.

Less than 5 minutes later and Sweeney was on the score-sheet again, tapping home at the second attempt after a decent save from the SP ‘keeper.

2-0 up and coasting, the Lions produced some excellent football but the last 10 minutes of the second half were scrappy and Sri Petaling dragged the yellows down to their level. It was during this passage of play that it became apparent that the referee had obviously missed his last few appointments at the opticians as he failed to see a player jump in the air, then chase Steve White for 5 yards and aim an extravagant kick to his backside.

Lord knows, we havn’t all been tempted to do that at times but this kind of action has no place on the football field. The fact that the player in question didn’t even receive a booking was astonishing. When, just a few minutes later, the opposition goalkeeper decided to throw a punch (Yes, really. You couldn’t make this up) at Donnelly rather than kick the ball up the pitch, and the ref yet again failed to take action, the game was in serious danger of spilling over.

Not long after the punch was thrown, a high ball toward the edge of the box saw a Lions player jump all over his marker and drag him down on the edge of the box. It came as no surprise that firstly, the referee pointed to the spot (after consulting his linesmen), and secondly that the Lion at fault was Shahrin “I once played the doctor in Short Circuit but now I am a professional penalty-conceder” Shah. This was the 4th penalty the Lions have conceded this season and all have been down to Shah. Still, at least he’s not as bad as Michael bloody Dawson.

David Wood – who gave another confident performance between the sticks despite traveling more miles than Michael Palin since the last fixture - knocked the ball off the spot, stared down the striker, and even manipulated his genitalia in an aggressive fashion, but even this extraordinary display of mind games/mating ritual was not enough to distract the SP penalty-taker whose kick found the bottom corner of the goal. Maybe he just didn’t fancy big, maniacal, tattooed Scottish-Australian guys…?

HALF TIME: Sri Petaling 1 - 2 The Lions

The score stayed at 2-1, not only until half-time, but well into the second half and both sides had chances to add to their tally. It seemed obvious that the next goal would be crucial, so when Sam McKinnon’s bold run into the box resulted in a powerless shot at the keeper there was much frustration.

However, McKinnon redeemed himself a few minutes later with a superb improvised overhead clearance from near his own penalty box. The advancing Steve White collected the ball and split the defence to release Shaun Sweeney who slid the ball passed the keeper for his hat-trick.

White once again assisted for Sweeney and the Lion’s 4th after some outstanding play from Jason Evans on the right wing, and it wasn’t long before Sweeney was rounding the goalkeeper – and most definitely NOT passing to Lee or Anthony who had made a mad dash to support their team-mate – before slamming home his 5th.

It does need to be said though, that while scoring 5 goals is a good effort, I suppose, Sweeney would have been disappointed not to leave the pitch with a double hat-trick when he allowed the keeper to parry his late shot onto the post. Never mind, eh lad. Just keep trying your best and one day it might go right for you.

(ABOVE) The SS claims his 5th of the day, leaving a nazi taste in the mouth for the Petaling keeper...

And so it ended 5-1 to the Lions. A great result, which could have been even better given the weak defence presented by Sri Petaling, but equally, could have been much worse if the Lions hadn’t scored that crucial 3rd goal at the right time.

But that won’t concern them for now. At the moment, it’s all about celebrating the biggest ever win in the club’s history. Division 2 of the SSLKL be warned: Enter the Lions den at your peril!

FULL TIME: Sri Petaling 1 - 5 The Lions

Man of the Match – Several good performances, but when a man scores 5 goals, he is generally speaking reasonable value for MOTM. Well done, Sweeney.

Tw@t of the Week – No lethal post-match combo-drink was consumed, as the 3 top nominees: Lee (Lost club ball), Shahrin (International Mr Penalty-Conceder 2008) and Mike (too hungover to play) were all absent from Finnegans, however, rest assured, these absences were noted and will be taken into account for future weeks.